My sisters

I've grown up with one sibling: a brother. I suppose I have to say I don't know what it's like to have a sister (one that I've grown up with), but I've been thinking recently bout how much this idea of "not knowing what it's like to have a sister" has changed for me.

Basically, at this stage in the pregnancy, I find it's really easy for me to feel like I've worn out my welcome. I know that all I am thinking about is the baby and my body - and the relationship between the two. I'm pretty sure that's all I'm talking to anybody about as well!! So I'm feeling like pretty poor company, in the social sense.

But you know, at the same time, I can't help it. It's what I need. ... Sometimes if feels like it's the only thing I need!!

I have had one 'sister in friendship' since high school; and since getting married 8 years' ago, I've acquired 3 more 'sisters' (real ones!): My husband's sister; his brother's partner; and  my brother's new wife. Such amazing women! All different and very strong. All welcoming of me, yet I have often felt that I don't know what I should do with these relationships. Like I don't know who I'm supposed to "be" to be someone that's interesting and important to them.

Yet, as time goes on, our lives become more inextricably entwined. The shared life experiences of our growing families naturally cause us to bind to one-another and our stories start to integrate all the more. While I am listening to them... I realise I am also listening to myself listening to them. I am learning more about who I am and what it means to be a woman, just through the presence of more and more great women in my life. Whether or not I am fulfilling the same role for anyone else: this is what has become true for me.

Of course, it's not just these four fab women in particular who are my 'sisters'. Now that I'm attuned to the concept, I can recognise them everywhere! Since having my son, I am now part of a sisterhood that is limitless. Becoming a mother has opened me up to the fullest extent. While I feel at my most vulnerable, I am also at my strongest - because I know, now, how much I share with so many other women who inspire me on a daily basis.

So I want to say thank you to all of my sisters, who have been humouring me and listening to me... sharing with me my very smallest and very greatest of concerns over these past months of pregnancy. I am acutely aware of how much I have asked of you and of how little I've been able to offer in return. But I could not have done it without you! I couldn't be so well prepared for the kind of birth I want to attempt without the many, many conversations about my hopes, fears and frustrations... and without quizzing you all on your own experiences and frantically scribbling down as many mental notes as I possibly could; shamelessly guzzling every ounce of care, insight and support on offer. If it has seemed too much, I only want you to know it's meant the world to me and that I haven't taken it lightly. I think I have grown giddy on this new 'girls only' drug that I've discovered, and I hope you'll take me back once I come back to earth.

...

Soon there will be another among us... But I will defer any extended ruminations I have about becoming a mother to a little girl. Of course, it's all going to relate back to what I've said above - and completely relate to my own experiences of being a woman. But for now, I'll stay true to this path and fully indulge in the richness of the last, heady couple of weeks of such utter and complete immersion in my thoughts and this experience of pregnancy - of the "before". Who knows, it may be the last time I'm here ... and I must make the most of it, no matter how crazy and indulgent it may seem to others.

There is no other world like this one; and the potential is so great to learn more about myself as my image is reflected back at me from the surface that's winking back daylight from above my head. In this state is where I can feel my sisters gathered around me... waiting with me. Even those who didn't choose to support me, I can feel the power and wholeness of your presence, whether or not that presence represents a level of frustration, or even alienation from me and my experience; what's amazing is that it doesn't seem to matter! Whether or not you offered, or whether or not I asked, you are all there.

Now is not the time to swim up and take air. My baby and I are busy gestating together... I will take my first breath when she takes hers; I will become real again when she becomes real. Now is not the time for thinking of things that will lessen the power of what is occurring and is about to occur. All that matters is that right now, I am lucky enough to find tangible comfort in these thoughts. I don't need promises or guarantees to get me through the things to come. Having the amazing support of all the women in my life is a million times more important than knowing what will happen next.

... and whatever happens next, I feel I couldn't be better prepared.