Strange experience last night, cruising some online forums - I found a question posted by someone about how it would be best to go about having the natural birth experience she wanted, but possibly also considering care by a pivate obstetrician. I responded by saying that (as money was not an issue) she could also have the best of both worlds - - as I felt I have tried to do - - by hiring an independent midwife to look after her in addition to any other model of care she may choose.
Imagine my surprise when somebody then took issue with my suggestion that an IM should be relegated to the role of support person, when they are a fully fledged medical professional who is able and willing to deliver babies in their own right! I can only presume that this respondent was a midwife (or IM) herself, although she didn't say so. I can't bring myself to go back and look, because I'm so upset by the idea that everything I've been wishing for for this birth means that all I'm going to do is upset the hospital midwives and upset my independent midwife as well... because I'm not letting either of them just "do their job" in the way they probably want to do it.
I stand by my assertion that it shouldn't really be about them. My understanding of midwifery is that it is woman-centred - but as a caring, fellow woman, I do feel bad about making any woman (or anyone, really) feel like their role in my care is going unappreciated. I just feel so DESPERATE!! ... I wish they could see that it's this uneasiness and sense of being twisted and pulled in different directions to somehow 'fit' the available models of care that is making me so anxious and so determined to involve as many care providers as I possibly can. I'm trying to create a love posse!! I know what it's like to go into hospital and try and ignore all of the 'hospitally stuff'. In particular, the brusque manner and slightly clipped and unnatural sounding comments by some of the staff (thinking of Midwife 2) makes it all the more alienating. Nobody seems to say what they really mean, or tell you what's really going on. Maybe they're just trying to protect people; but I find it really provoking when I can tell that there's stuff going on in the background that's the real driving force behind people's motivations, but I am left to merely speculate on what those things might be.
I'm having conversations with whoever I can about this, and driving either myself or them crazy with it all. I know that this is all part of getting ready. I know it's normal for me to be a basket-case because my past experience almost guarantees that I'm going to feel particularly anxious about how it's all going to go this time.
Most people are reminding me that things will be fine - my Love Posse will ensure that I have the best possible experience, and do everything to protect me from negative influences. My dad had a slightly different take on it. He is hospital analogy was to liken it to the courtroom. He suggested that the hospital midwives were like the lawyers for the prosecution, and that my hiring an IM was like engaging my own lawyer to come and represent me in court (which anyone would do!!) It's a clever comparison for summing up how it really feels... but it makes me deeply sad at the same time to think that any woman should feel she has to do this. Now I feel equally scummy that I'm making my IM come to a birth where she can't even be my midwife. I'm choosing this over a home birth.... and for what? Because it might save my life? Or does it really boil down to the fact that I'm saving money? (not my favourite reason for deciding about things that are important to me).
A hospital is the place you want to be if your baby is without oxygen, or you're bleeding to death, or certain organs are bursting open - no doubt about that. But those things are so intangible.... and it's actually downright impossible to think about them for very long when you're imagining your birth experience, because it's natural to be dismissive of such ideas. It's even reasonable, I'd argue, given that it's so unlikely to happen! It's just like those moments when you're driving along in your car and have to brake suddenly, and there's a part of your brain that pictures the alternative scenario where you run into someone or somehow lose control. It crosses your mind. You take pause. But you get on with your day. You don't drive home a shaking ball of anxiety – resolving never to drive again without a surgeon on standby, a cannula in the back of your hand and a spare 10L of blood in the jerry can instead of spare fuel! You wouldn't be able to function.
The fact of the matter is that I NEED to function. I have a deep and insatiable emotional and psychological need to visualise positive things for this birth... and I have a two year old child who needs me to be present and focused on him, not ignoring him while I'm busy being a gibbering mess over something that may or may not happen. I feel like I'm wasting the 1:1 time I'm spending with him, and I'm wasting air time on here where I'd otherwise be musing about the potential "signs" of imminent labour... or bonding with my boys... or fabulous name ideas.
So I'm trying to get my shit back together. The last time I checked in, I had reached a constructive 'benign' phase. Now I've hit a low point, but I'm trying to tell myself that it's all necessary. If I go to this fragile and scary place now .... maybe I won't have to lose my shit when things get really tough? Maybe it's just a level of anxiety that's natural considering what I'm planning and looking forward to? Unfortunately, there are still difficult conversations to be had with my support people, IM and with the coordinator at the hospital. I might just try and be cool about it. I was feeling really edgy about maybe going into labour, thinking the intense Braxton Hicks contractions couldn't possibly just be 'nothing', especially when they made me exclaim out loud - but even that was unsustainable. Now I more like, whatever - it will definitely happen at some point and I'm very unlikely to know when that's going to be! This is definitely progress!!
... and speaking of progress: we talked names last night and think we might have actually come up with something! That was a little ray of frivolous sunshine peeking through the oppressive rain-cloud of serious issues.
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