A ray of hope

Get ready for a serious cliché... but you know when there are storm clouds and you just can't see anything else? ... and then, all of a sudden....

This is testimony to the good work a few fabulous women can do for each other, if only the person suffering allows themselves to reach out around themselves and ask for the help they need. This is something I often struggle with - I'm not really sure why. It's like the worse I feel, the less I feel I deserve others' support. If course, I know enough about human nature (and the shoe being on the other foot) to understand that other people will be only too happy to help me if they can - if they have the time and energy themselves - and if they love me, of course.

So I'm feeling very loved right now!! :-)

My excellent independent midwife has dealt with the barrage of unanswerable, circular and rhetorical questions that I seem to come up with whenever I get upset (as an insurance policy against finding answers, I presume!) and has calmly redirected me to my birth plan. A document that has been constructed with some difficulty, over quite a long period of time, that as much as possible reflects a completely unbiased account of everything I said I wanted when I wasn't feeling so messed up. If I'm now questioning what it is that I wrote in that document, then I would have to be coming from a pretty solid place to do so!!

Not talk of changing the plan. No suggestion that my being upset was a cue to change everything to accommodate this new batch of feelings, no matter how persuasive they may seem. No need to do anything except just hear me out and stay calm, focused, positive...

So I had a really great day yesterday. I combined IM therapy with some more casual banter with a good friend. I was having plenty of these really strong Braxton Hicks contractions, making me feel like everything's moving forward and my body is preparing for the birth. I haven't even been talking here about the kinds of things that are happening physically, because the mental aspect has been so overwhelming. So this is my purpose in writing this morning, to document some of the more mechanical aspects of this labour.

It feels very different to the way I recall late pregnancy last time. I remember wandering around in the weeks following my due date, wondering what it was I was supposed to be waiting for. I drove to the party where my labour ultimately 'started' but without any inkling that anything might happen, or I probably wouldn't have gone. I certainly didn't feel all of these pushing down sensations on my pelvic floor/cervix (whatever the hell it is!) - With my first pregnancy, my BH's felt like tightenings in my belly. Completely painless. Completely an 'outward/inward' contraction that hugged my baby... nothing like these ones that seem to be (inadvertently?) pushing the baby's head down further and (presumably?) thinning out my cervix. So far I've had a couple of days where they've been quite frequent and at least one day in between where they've almost completely stopped.... or been less noticeable.

Last night after dinner at my folks', I noticed they seemed a lot stronger. I could not lounger say they didn't hurt at all... My recent ones have had some accompanying sensations that I would associate with period pain (just without the "pain" part) that kind of slightly unpleasant dragging or aching sensation that some women might recognise. Not painful, just - - -  I dunno  - - - maybe, "sobering" is the right word!

Last night it was definitely period pain. I still haven't had any other signs. I'm waiting for a 'show' I suppose, considering I really hope my waters don't break (I don't need any such complicating factors to arise!!) ... so it's a funny state to be in. I've read that these BH can go on for weeks, even though it feels absolutely unfathomable. But I just have to trust that my body will take as long as it needs to do the necessary preparation - and that whatever preparation is done now should ultimately shorten my labour. I know I need to concentrate on getting things done, getting sleep and eating well in preparation. I woke up quite hungry after the couple of interruptions to my sleep from the strong BH and usual loo visits, so I've eaten eggs on toast for the protein hit, despite not really being into it. I guess now I'm in that headspace where I am preparing for the physical event and thinking about it like an athlete probably thinks about preparing their body for a race. I also prioritised the completion of  my 'shrine/affirmation wall' last night, which looks quite impressive and also, I must say, really does make me feel better as I look at it and pick out whatever lines of wisdom make me feel better at that particular moment!

Off to the hospital at 11:30 this morning for my "Baby's meant to be here tomorrow" appointment. I am not thinking much about it yet (blogging before a cup of tea has been finished is inadvisable, but acceptable. Thinking about things that annoy me before a cup of tea is NOT!!) I should be expecting that the HOB's ideas about reviewing the situation at 41+3 will be challenged at this meeting, judging by my midwife's reaction to his relaxed view of going post-dates at our last appointment.

I want to keep it simple to avoid throwing fuel on the fire. Issues for discussion:

- Clarification between labouring in water vs. birthing in water (and associated qualifications of my attendant)
- Attitude of my hospital midwife to bringing independent midwife and whether this is going to be a problem
- How to best approach the shared care aspect of this arrangement; including any requested examinations, communications before reaching hospital and hand-over once we get to hospital
- Clarification about managed 3rd stage (considering conflicting advice has been given).

Whether my midwife will be able to answer this stuff for me or if I"m still waiting to hear from her boss remains to be seen!! Maybe we'll even see a baby before then!